You may be considering the prospect of writing your own obituary. After all, you know yourself best and understand the message you want to leave with the world. If you find it daunting to record the highlights of your life in a few short paragraphs, you are completely normal. This is a challenging project, even for the most gifted writer. However, we know you can do this, and you can do it well. We would be honored to provide some guidance to help you in this endeavor.
Overview
Merriam-Webster defines an obituary as “a notice of a person’s death usually with a short biographical account.” Your obituary will give people the opportunity to get to know you and appreciate the legacy you will leave behind. An obituary is also a public notice to inform people about a memorial service or gathering. You will not need to worry about those details – your family can take care of that later.
An obituary can be written in one day or over the space of many years. We suggest that this project is not something to be rushed. We recommend taking at least a week to write, reread, edit thoughtfully, and finish your obituary. It may be helpful for you to collect a few examples ahead of time by clipping obituaries you like out of a newspaper. Obituaries are also easily accessible online, and you can find them in newspapers at your local library.
Writing your obituary can be a tremendous blessing to your family. They will rest assured that your obituary is stated precisely as you wanted it. And your gift of writing your obituary will relieve them from trying to think through and do it justice during a time of grief and loss. Your obituary will be a treasured gift for your family.
Here are a few questions to help you think through the details for your obituary.
1. In what newspaper(s) or websites do you want your obituary published?
You may want your obituary to be published in a local newspaper and a newspaper in the city where you used to live. Cost may not be a real concern, but it would be wise to learn about your newspaper’s guidelines and fees. Some newspapers charge a base price for online placement, such as $25, plus $0.50 per word and an additional photo fee. Others may charge by word number categories: 0-50 words, 51-100 words, 101- 150 words, and so forth. Emblem requests are usually available if you are interested: American Legion, veteran, cross, Eagles, Elks, Eastern Orthodox, flag, footprints, heart, Lions, Muslim, Star of David, etc. Share with your family your desired newspaper(s) and if you would like to have an emblem with your obituary. In addition, you may want to set aside money for your family to use for the publishing of your obituary.
2. What are the basic details you want to share?
The easiest part about writing your obituary will probably be stating the facts about your life. Here are a few items to consider including in your obituary.
- Name as you like it to appear (you may want to include a popular nickname)
- Date and location of birth
- The names of your parents
- Your ancestral heritage
- The town you want to be listed
- Formerly of (if you lived awhile elsewhere)
- Survivors: husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, friends, etc.
- Preceded in death by spouse, parents, children (including miscarried children), siblings, etc.
- Memorial request: Some people will want to donate a monetary gift in your honor. You may specify a ministry, hospital, hospice, association, or charity of your choice. Additionally, you may request that no flowers be sent due to allergies or other reasons.
- The name and address of the funeral home, church, or another location for your service.
3. What photo do you want to be included with your obituary?
What photograph of you would you like to accompany your obituary? Some people want to share a recent photo, while others prefer to use an image taken of them when they were younger. There also may be the option of sharing more than one photo.
Photo fees can range from approximately $10 – $70, depending on the size photo size and whether it is in color or black and white. You may have the option to include more than one photo. You will want to scan any photographs that are not digitized to upload them to the newspaper. If you need help with the technical details, do not be afraid to ask a family member or friend to help you.
4. How long should your obituary be?
In most circumstances, you may want to have long and short versions available.
For example, the average length of an obituary is approximately 200 words. Some newspapers may accept obituaries as short as 50 words or as long as 450 words. Depending on your history and contacts, a shorter version may be used in a magazine, memo, newsletter, email or article.
5. What are some wishes that you would like to share with your family?
Part of your obituary will have to be written by your loved ones after your time of passing. However, you can share with them now what you want to be included or excluded in your obituary’s final details. Here are some questions to help you discuss these details with your family:
- Do you want your cause of death to be listed?
- Do you want a visitation, a funeral, a memorial service, a celebration of life, or a gathering? A funeral usually takes place before burial, and a memorial service, celebration of life, or gathering usually takes place after the burial.
Note: If you want your ashes to be scattered, you must learn about the laws and guidelines for scattering in your state. - Do you have a preference as to what day or what time of day you want your service to be? Many funeral home directors and pastors prefer not to hold funeral services on weekends, and most cemeteries do not provide services on Saturdays or Sundays. It might be possible to hold a service on a Saturday, but the cost will likely be substantially higher.
- Do you want your service before lunch or supper so there can be a meal for your loved ones and friends to gather in a time of fellowship and comfort?
- Do you want just close family to be invited to the cemetery or another part of the gathering? If so, these details will need to be stated clearly in your obituary.
- You or your family may want to publicly thank the medical personnel, medical center, or hospice nurses. You may want to give your family the freedom to choose to whom they will want to express appreciation.
6. What are some highlights of your life that you would like to share?
While you could probably write a book or several books about your life, you will be able to feature only the highlights in your obituary. If you need help thinking this through, here are some questions designed to help you.
- What has been your career? Military service? You may have more than one you would like to share.
- How do you like to spend your free time? Hobbies? Family time? Travel?
- Do you have a favorite Bible verse or quote?
- What schools and colleges did you attend, and what degrees did you earn?
- Awards or notable accomplishments?
- Were you an active member of a church, club, or charity?
- How did you impact your community? Did you write a book, found a ministry or charity, play in the orchestra, or volunteer at the library? Perhaps you are known as the “cookie lady” by the children in your neighborhood or the amazing tutor who can help any student succeed.
- What do you enjoy doing with your spouse, significant other, children, or grandchildren? Did you teach your children or grandchildren to bake, fish, bird watch, crochet, create beautiful wooden furniture, or to appreciate poetry?
- What are some lessons you learned in your life that you would like to share with others?
- What projects do you leave unfinished, that you desire to be taken up by others?
- What do you love most about your family?
- What makes you happy?
We recommend that you brainstorm by writing out as many details as possible, take time to reflect, and then highlight the top 4 – 6 items that encapsulate your personality and life.
Prioritize information and form the words into sentences and paragraphs.
You may want to consult with close family members when writing your obituary. This can be a bonding and healing experience that will be a treasured memory in the coming days. In addition, they may have an idea of something to include that you had not yet considered.
As we mentioned, one way to help you build a beautiful obituary is to look at other obituaries. You can look online or in your local newspaper to get ideas. Your local library will have newspapers you can borrow. In addition, you can check out 22 Great Obituary Examples, listed by various types and ages of people.
Feel free to write your obituary in whatever way you wish! You can think outside the box and make it unique. For example, most obituaries are written in the third person, but you can write it in the first person, as though you are talking to the reader. Then your family and friends may feel like they are reminiscing with you about the good memories you made together.
Finalizing the Details
It may help you to read your obituary draft out loud to evaluate the content and flow. Or, you could ask someone to read it aloud, so you can listen more objectively. Your obituary will probably be read aloud at your service or gathering, so you will want it to flow smoothly. Don’t forget to run the obituary through a spelling and grammar check. Then ask a few people you trust to look it over and offer and final recommendations.
When you are satisfied with your obituary, be sure to send copies of it via email or in a mailed envelope to your closest family members or friends. Then they will be able to respectfully store your obituary until it is time to finalize the details and send it to be published.
In closing, do not worry about creating a perfect obituary. Each obituary is as unique as the person it describes, and there is no “right” or “wrong” answer here. It may help you to think of yourself as a storyteller, sharing the remarkable story of your life! Your written words will comfort others while providing a memorable keepsake of your amazing legacy.
